Friday, January 7, 2011

Twilight Watch

Mari is deteriorating rapidly. Her little spark is gone.

My heart is so freakin' heavy -- I just want to lay down next to her and stay there all day, but instead I am here at work, trying to concentrate. I can't concentrate on anything.

I feel desperate to find the vet that she has seen for years, Dr. Grant Hobika. He left the office where we take her and I'm not sure if he is still practicing, but I pray that he is. The last time we saw him was last year, and he was thinking about leaving that office because the owners wouldn't sell it to him. He discussed opening up his own place in a nearby town, but Google has given me nothing but the old place. Dr. Hobika is kind, reasonable and understanding, and it is clear he loves the pets he sees. He has known Mari for most of her life, and treated her for all sorts of active-lab-related issues. I want him to take care of her now, nobody else, just him. I am going to call and see what the office can tell me.

Focusing on details is a coping mechanism.

But the fact remains that Mari is preparing us for her departure.

Foolishly I thought I was ready - until now. Maybe it's partly related to having lost Bear just a few short weeks ago. My emotions are raw, and my heart is still broken from that devastating day. Conversely, Mari has lived a very full life, and has even outlived the average lab. Her energy, her spirit, her joy ... they have been her gift to us for nearly 14 years, and we have been blessed. But now I am spooked and panicky, and feeling unprepared and insecure.

They say you just know when it's time, and your dog will let you know. I am searching for the signal from Mari, but she just looks at me with her soulful eyes and a little wag of her tail. Basically her digestive issues are intermittent but not going away, and all she does is sleep and ask for the door (making it most of the time). 'No longer interested in her new squeaker turtle that she got for Christmas and not really eating much, but rather just curled up in a little circle on her bed and getting skinnier by the day.

~ the setting sun on Lake Ontario - Mari's favorite swimming hole ~

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