Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Jim reminded me that's what Bear is saying in different ways.

Sophie has now taken to shredding tissues from the bathroom waste baskets. Little shredded tissues are here and there ... just like before, even though this is a new behavior for Sophie.

Treats were in my raincoat pocket this morning. Bear's favorite chewy treats, the ones that smell like smokey deliciousness.

Little downy feathers from the comforter, found under the bed despite several visits from Sandy and her vac.

A Kong found under the dresser, way in the back.


We buried my little man next to Kitty and Pablo, out in the pond garden. He loved helping me feed the "fishies" every morning, so it was logical to put him there.

Its difficult to wrap my brain around all of this. I miss him so much.

But I appreciate the little hellos he is sending me. 'The little reminders that a part of him will be with me always.

my little goofball

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Jim & Chandler
Mom & Mike
Jean & Beth
In-Law Sibs
Mari & Soph
Apollo & Isis
Beary xxoo
Pabs xxoo
Dad xxoo
Oma xxoo
Sky & Poppy
Food & Wine

Monday, November 22, 2010

Zen ~ Anger

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."      Buddha

Ah, anger. It can bubble up and break through at unexpected times and in unexpected places. We can blame God. We can blame ourselves. We can blame others. We can blame the nature of the universe.

But it isn't worth it.

My first experience of true seething anger occurred during my divorce. I was angry at my ex for being an idiot, at myself for my naivety and marrying him in the first place, at the very idea that I failed at something so important. I had to learn the hard way that prolonged anger is destructive and toxic, and ultimately letting it go would save my life. Indeed, my peace and joy has been my ultimate revenge. Mwaa haa haa!! (just kidding about that evil laughter part).

So now I am struggling with anger again. Anger at God. Anger at me. Anger at the craziness of the universe. Yet I need only look around me at the people who suffer losses and tragedies beyond belief, and then I realize what a brat I am. Why shouldn't shit happen to me? Who do I think I am that would make me somehow immune to sadness, death and loss? Ugliness is as much a part of our existence here on earth as is beauty, and I have come to the conclusion the without the contrast of the two then life would not be as colorful, as fabulous, as sublime.

Slowly anger diminishes to understanding - if we allow it to. It does take a conscious effort and it isn't always easy. We try to make sense of things but often we have to simply accept the fact that this ride comes with ups and downs. If we allow anger to be in control then it is we who are losing out.

Life is (imperfect but) beautiful.

fall hydrangea

Thursday, November 18, 2010


"The best way to get started is to stop talking and begin doing."
Walt Disney

This was the "thought of the day" in the morning e-mail from our principal, and it pricked my conscience. 

random photo booth pic, created while wasting time

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Unfriend Day

So Jimmy Kimmel calls for today to be "National Unfriend Day". 

Late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel believes Facebook is cheapening the meaning of friendship.
"NUD is the international day when all Facebook users shall protect the sacred nature of friendship by cutting out any 'friend fat' on their pages occupied by people who are not truly their friends," according to the show's website. 

Read more about that on CNN's link if you want to. I get it. I really do. I am very selective about who I have in my list of people - people who can read and see all about my personal life - and I think that those who have 1000 "friends" have lost the idea of what friendship is all about.

Some believe social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook are harmful, and simply a more efficient way for jerks to stalk and bully and post garbage. Maybe so. But these networks can also be used for good, and I will defend them based on firsthand experience.

I love being in touch with some of the lovely people with whom I attended high school. I moved away to go to college and never returned, so Facebook has been a wonderful way to connect with people who had the same teenage experiences that I did, and who knew firsthand my family and my tiny rural hometown. We had the same teachers, listened to the same music, drank the same Southern Comfort at the same parties together. Now we are productive citizens with jobs and homes and children, and we "get" each other. I love my high school connections.

Local connections are a handy way to invite and post events, and to commiserate about common everyday experiences. Household connections are interesting in that they are sometimes the best way to communicate. Yes - with the people you live with, especially if they happen to be a teenager. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

In times of joy and in times of sorrow, Facebook is a way to reach out and share in the emotion. It is the modern equivalent to sending notes and cards, and dialing the telephone. It is not a complete replacement, and there are definitely times when cards and calls are required, but it represents our new culture of the fast and immediate.

Weddings, new houses, new jobs, perfect chocolate cakes, baby photos, graduations, engagements, perfect cups of coffee, travel adventures. 

Road rage, stupid landlords, loss of pets, children that make you nuts, job losses, divorces, dinners that flopped, travel disasters. 

'Times of joy and times of sorrow. My friends are there for me, and I am grateful. 

(Thank you, Facebook, for the interface you provide.)

'with my friends at a high school basketball game in the '80s - as if you couldn't tell the date based on our hair!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Life keeps moving.

Even if you don't feel like moving with it.

But I am recovering, and I find myself talking about Bear's life with friends, and I even find myself laughing. The hardest times are when I am at home where Bear was my constant buddy, and where I never did anything without him. I hung Christmas lights outside last night, and no one was there to watch. Folding laundry on the bed and not having any little monster jump up and wreck the piles. Leaving the bathroom waste baskets on the floor and not having the tissues and q-tips removed and shredded. Those are the moments that I feel the saddest.

Looking out at the orchards I realize that I never want to go for a walk again. Or a bike ride. Ever again. I am simply lonely for my Beary.

Crap. CRAP.

I am grateful that I had him for a year and a half. I am honored to have had him in my life while he was here on earth. I am humbled to have been his person.

I am grateful for my son, and how kind and understanding he has been. I am grateful for my husband who is the sweetest most gentle and sensitive man any woman could ask for. I am grateful for my friends who get me and my animal needs.

We will probably never fully understand why things roll the way they do here on this, our crazy planet. Meanwhile we keep moving forward, savoring what we can while mourning the loss of loved ones, choosing to find light in the midst of darkness.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Woof ~ Heaven

Heaven is pretty cool.

At first I was really confused because one minute I'm cruising down the road so fast, and the next I'm like "whoa where am I??". I looked around for my mom because I thought I could hear her calling me and I think she may have even been crying, but I couldn't find her anywhere.

Then these nice people appeared.

First was a cool guy with a beard, and he said he was my mom's dad, so I guess that makes him my Opa, right? Anyway, he said he would take care of me, and that he was excited to get to meet me in person. Another nice person I met right away was a lady named Shirl who said I was just as cute as she thought I would be, and she immediately fed me yummy food from her plate. She told me her son would sneak me food from his plate, and she needed to carry on the tradition. She said I could call her "Gram". Like I said, she was very nice! Then a lady introduced herself to me as Sophie's mom, and I thought I would be in trouble for sure. You see, Sophie is my little sister that I so enjoy tormenting and teasing. Well, Sophie's mom said that although she loves her little princess she loved me, too, and she instantly forgave me for all my naughtiness. This meeting-people-thing was going great, and I was really glad that even though my mom wasn't with me there were a whole bunch of my two-legged family there.


But I do miss things about home. I miss helping mom take care of those stinky goats. I miss playing with my sisters Mari and Sophie. I miss sleeping on my boy's bed. I miss my morning snuggles with my mom and dad. I miss jumping up on my dad REALLY hard when he is trying to read that silly newspaper and is ignoring me. I miss playing "hide the squeaker" and "catch the ball" with my mom. I miss the runs with my boy. I miss walks in the orchard, I miss watching yardwork happen, I miss the snow, I miss the fishies, I miss the cats (but I bet they don't miss me). I miss treats in the kitchen when I do my crazy tricks (I am so smart!!). I miss bike rides with my mom. I even miss taking care of the church flowers with my mom. Then there are the car rides I miss, and the endless supply of socks laying around the house for me to chew on. There are the birds I like to watch, and mice I like to gobble up before my mom can stop me. So many things I can't do anymore with those people I really love (yeah, I admit it - I love them like crazy). I miss the fun, and I really miss my people.

I know my people miss me, too. I can feel how sad they are. I can hear them crying. I feel pretty bad about leaving them. I miss them all so much.

Yeah, heaven is pretty cool, and there are nice people here. I like the fact that I can run around as much as I want here, and that I never have to be in my prison again. And the really good news is that I get to see my earth people again, so I am okay with this change of scenery. I worry a little about them because they are sad, but I hope they know how much I love them, and that we will be together again.

This doesn't relate to my post -- I'm just showing off my handsome tail.

Heart Broken

There are no words to describe how devastated I am right now. My sweet little buddy was hit yesterday and I lost him forever.

Bear was my companion, my snuggler, my baby, my pillow de-fluffer, my clown, my tissue shredder, my helper, my love.

I miss him so badly. I want him with me. I have a hole in my heart. I am broken.

My friends and family have been amazing and I am grateful. I worry about Chandler and Jim but they are strong. We will all get through this somehow, but it will not be easy.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Trail Ride

Last night I rode Wit on the trails behind the stable. It was a chilly evening but the sun was bright, and the remaining leaves were brilliantly illuminated. There was a corn field beyond our trail, and even the dry stalks seemed to glow in the late day sun. Smelling the damp earth and hearing hooves on rocks brought back deep emotions, and I was filled with peace and joy.


I know.



My incentive to remain disciplined with my book project is powerful. I know what I need to do to achieve my goal of having a horse so that I can feel that connection. Again.