Lonely

Life keeps moving.

Even if you don't feel like moving with it.

But I am recovering, and I find myself talking about Bear's life with friends, and I even find myself laughing. The hardest times are when I am at home where Bear was my constant buddy, and where I never did anything without him. I hung Christmas lights outside last night, and no one was there to watch. Folding laundry on the bed and not having any little monster jump up and wreck the piles. Leaving the bathroom waste baskets on the floor and not having the tissues and q-tips removed and shredded. Those are the moments that I feel the saddest.

Looking out at the orchards I realize that I never want to go for a walk again. Or a bike ride. Ever again. I am simply lonely for my Beary.

Crap. CRAP.

I am grateful that I had him for a year and a half. I am honored to have had him in my life while he was here on earth. I am humbled to have been his person.

I am grateful for my son, and how kind and understanding he has been. I am grateful for my husband who is the sweetest most gentle and sensitive man any woman could ask for. I am grateful for my friends who get me and my animal needs.

We will probably never fully understand why things roll the way they do here on this, our crazy planet. Meanwhile we keep moving forward, savoring what we can while mourning the loss of loved ones, choosing to find light in the midst of darkness.